Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
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me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam