Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You Might Also Like
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters