Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

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BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip


Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!


Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.


“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.


No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?


We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”


Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?


Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?