@TopherKearby

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

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@geekysteven

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

@HomeWithPeanut

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@Marcmywords2

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

@LADaddy

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

@UncleDuke1969

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

@Donna_McCoy

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?