@geekysteven BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
@TopherKearby MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
You Might Also Like
@geekysteven 
@HomeWithPeanut Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
@Try2StopME Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
@blade_funner Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
@Marcmywords2 “Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
@brunopieroni No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
@LADaddy We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
@UncleDuke1969 “Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
@OrdinaryAlso Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
@Donna_McCoy Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?