Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Are we there yet?…
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.