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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The 6 types of sex
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.