men’s fashion peaked in 1838
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.