Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10