mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
#NeverForget
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.