MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
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I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Said the murderer.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆