Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.