Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Europe. Made in Germany.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.