meow
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Every house has this drawer
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?