Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
estão todos miauvindo?
#oldknees
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*