mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
You Might Also Like
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me recordaron éste meme
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
road rage
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA