Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed