#merica
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people