merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
You Might Also Like
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
can’t believe I got front row seats
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds