Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea