Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
TWEET CALL
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen