She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one
My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]