Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
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im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Finally
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.