Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
You Might Also Like
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
happy mother’s day❤️
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York