Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I put the mess in domestic.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?