Merry Christmas
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Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
True?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.