@SondraDeeMe

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

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@Bob_Heller

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

@cwhudson

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

@abbycohenwl

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

@un_d_ciphered

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

@dubstep4dads

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

@Home_Halfway

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

@DougStanhope

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.