Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
The Backseat Boys
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.