@ThRealBallsDeep

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

@ArfMeasures

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

@briancthayer

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

@bampvio

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

@WilliamAder

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

@Parkerlawyer

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.