Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
Baked & sliced?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.