Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
They’re stuck in your pants?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
absolutely not
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken