Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
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How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Me: Chandler shut up!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
(kids playing upstairs)
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.