Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles