message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!