Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!