Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Good news
The Book. The Movie.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming