Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
You Might Also Like
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Rooting for the overdog