Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.