Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
No Google it does not
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Raisins are grape jerky.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.