Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
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Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
i smell a pulitzer
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.