Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.