met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha