Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.