Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The Friday File.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.