Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
You Might Also Like
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?