Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.