Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.