Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]