Meth is short for Elizameth.
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
saw this in a dream
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I am also baked goods
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago