Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You Might Also Like
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’