*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.