me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag