mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
You Might Also Like
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife