mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My life is fraught with reality
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats