Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator