[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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No email needs to tell me not to reply.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”