Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
#CoronaOutbreak
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*